is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Randomize
