Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
