I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
