My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
