You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
