I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
