thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
