Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
