I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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