i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
