My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
