even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
