I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
not ubering you a puppy
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