you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
