If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
my poor anus
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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