i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
