the condom got lost in my hair
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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