just tell him i said nine months
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
