I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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