Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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