Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
