Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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