i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The air taste purple.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
