There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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