This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
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