It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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