My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
