don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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