new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
