Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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