I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
