she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
