Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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