I just threw up on my dentist
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
