I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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