I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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