3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
