Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
