i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
