I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
