True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
