when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
