just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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