Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
