I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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