Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
