I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
