Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
