it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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