its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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