I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
