I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
